Shein Promises To Go Eco-Friendly By 2750

According to Shein’s Sustainability Team, which sources say is just Nancy from accounting when she has time, shared a visionary plan to "seriously think about maybe starting the conversation" on their environmental impacts sometime around 2700. “We really want to be leaders in the environment space…eventually,” said CEO Chris Xu, addressing a press conference while standing on a stage built entirely from unpurchased Shein clothing. “But let’s be realistic, true change takes time. Rome wasn’t built in a century. It took at least multiple.”

The announcement comes amid growing scrutiny of the environmental impact of fast fashion. Critics point out that Shein churns out between 3,500 and 10,000 new low cost garments on its site every day. A rate that could only be matched by a drugged up AI convinced it’s the reincarnation of Coco Chanel. But Shein executives insist their long-term environmental roadmap is solid, or will eventually be solid. Probably.

“We’ve established a clear, achievable timeline,” said the Head of Sustainability, also known as Nancy from accounting. “By the year 2699 we aim to initiate internal brainstorming workshops. The company's 2699 workshops will look into key issues, such as:

• Is the upwards of 70 billion liters of water we use annually for clothes considered unreasonable?”*

• Is emitting 16.7 million metric tons of CO₂ emissions a year “too much”?**

• How many chemical laws do we have to breach before it's not cool?***

When pressed for a more immediate plan, Nancy from accounting nodded solemnly and unveiled Shein’s new pilot program: offsetting the +70 billion liters of water used annually by adding low water succulents in the staff break room. “It’s a start,” she whispered, placing a la cholla plant next to a pile of last season's (yesterdays) glitter -covered jorts. They’re also offering a limited-edition t-shirt with the slogan: “Eco-Friendlly...Eventually.” Made from 80% virgin polyester and 20% children's tears.

The press conference concluded with CEO Chris Xu ceremonially lighting a biodegradable candle and stating, "I recently discovered nature, and honestly, it’s been really inspiring. We aim to do better…eventually. Our next collection is ocean-themed to honor all the microplastics we’ve put there. Some people say fast fashion is killing the planet. But let’s not forget — it’s also making me a lot of money.”

Disclaimer: Please note this is satire. No fast fashion brands (or accountants named Nancy) were harmed in the making of this article, though some of the numbers mentioned might be sadly accurate.

*- Using upwards of 70 billion liters of water annually is a fuck ton.

** - 16.7 million metric tons of CO₂ emissions a year

*** - Chemical Law Breach