Local Man Calls In Sick To Work Because He 'Felt an Emotion'

In an unprecedented case, local man Rene Romero has felt an emotion. This has left his coworkers stunned and his manager speechless. Rene called in sick to work this morning, citing “I woke up this morning, and there it was,” Romero explained to his surprised manager over the phone, “a feeling. Not a specific one, just a vague sensation.”

Romero actually having the capacity to feel something has sent shockwaves when his sick day was announced on the staff zoom call, with colleagues expressing their concern over what caused his condition.

“I’ve never thought I’d see him feel something,” said KD Benites, a co-worker who has been with the organization for six years. “Rene’s the most emotionally unavailable person I know. So for him to admit that he felt something. I’m impressed.”

Benites who gave birth last week has been juggling sleepless nights, postpartum recovery, and the demands of a newborn, has repeatedly asked for a a day off to recover from pregnancy, only to be told by HR that she had “exhausted her maternity leave of one day” and needed to “make it work.” “I asked for an afternoon off last week because my body was, you know, still healing from pushing out an entire human being," Benites said. “But when I mentioned it, HR told me to just power through, and if I needed to, I could take a walk to recharge.”

The 34 year-old nonprofit worker, who typically prides himself on being the emotional equivalent of a nalgene: solid, reliable, and completely impervious to the chaos of human existence. It's like I have a 'feels' app on my phone and I got the first notification.” He said proudly while sipping a lukewarm cup of mushroom coffee.

In an effort to provide more clarity on his condition, Romero elaborated, stating that this emotion was neither positive nor negative, but “kind of like when you’re nostalgic for something you don’t really know for what. I just don’t really think I would've been in the right headspace for a zoom call at 9 AM, ya know?.” Romero said.

His boss, Veronica Thiry, who has been with the company for 10 years, reportedly responded to his call with silence for 10 seconds before simply saying, “Okay….” followed by another awkward silence.

Thiry added, “I’ve had employees call in sick for all kinds of reasons. Last year, Haleigh called in sick because she had ‘curtain bang regret’. But someone 'finally tapping into emotional 4G after years of dial-up'? That’s new.”